Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

My daily affirmation

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.