Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing