Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Time for evil