If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
this is how life feels
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.