Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Just why bro?!

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

🪶

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.