Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs