Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]