Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

oh you wanna fight?!

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I will never stop laughing at this