Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

this is so top tier i cant

called in thicc to work this morning

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME