Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

la cocaina

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Follow me for more recipes

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

making sure he doesnt get away

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p