Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.