
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
lmao
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ????
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me: Can I get cheese on that?
Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.
Me: And?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.