Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.



“Can you hold scissors?”


“Welcome to SuperCuts”


Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”


Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.


Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box


I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.


by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance


If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.