@AnnietheNanny1

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

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@BakwasRadio

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@dmc1138

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

@mommy_cusses

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@McGrumpenstein

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.