Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

@Lhlodder

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

@NewDadNotes

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

@TumbIrHumor

lmao

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@ShortSleeveSuit

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????

@AtticusFinch79

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

@thatUPSdude

Me: Can I get cheese on that?

Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.

Me: And?

@jonnysun

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

@k_lli

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.