Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
You Might Also Like
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Am I having a stroke?
2024 has been a rough few years
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear