Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
I’m ready to try another planet.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!