Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope