Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Welcome

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”