Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
men, we mow at sunrise.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’m having an out of money experience.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes