Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

his wife is probably gonna see that

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper