Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI![]()
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.