Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?