Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My dress code is business-casualty.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT