Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.