Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.