Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*