Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
realest tweet ever.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.