Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
mmm onion ringos
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
