Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Velcrow
