Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
