Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
