Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.