Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

#have a #great #PancakeDay

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

just witnessed a drug deal

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.