HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
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I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
per my last wtf
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”