Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced