Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.