Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I think this cat is broken
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now