Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.


Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham


DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me


Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!

Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*


I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.


Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes


Octopus 1-you up for tennis?

Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again

Octo1-..we dont have elb



My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.