I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!
Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*
I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.
Top causes of divorce:
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Octopus 1-you up for tennis?
Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again
Octo1-..we dont have elb
Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.