Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Suuuuure
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here