Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I hope they boil the right one.
me refusing to leave twitter
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question