Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1