Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
titanic
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.