Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
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Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
boys are so easy to impress
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Why is this me 😫