Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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OKAY DAD
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
hi why am I like this
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over