Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My dad teaching me to drive
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.