Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

😎 🍻

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.