Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Every damn time
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
School be like
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
i can’t wait that long
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man