Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Mission: Impossible
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
even bears disappoint their mothers
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”