Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.