Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
You better wish for more oil
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Breaking news:
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That鈥檚 the third one so far.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice