Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.