him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
mom gave me mine for free
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop