him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
welp
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?