Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking