Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes