Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.