Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?