Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
me when the borders lift
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”