Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Doggies just call it style.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.