Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Sheep
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.