Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple


my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship


My co worker is so mad at me right now her eyes are bulging out like a pug. I don’t know wether to call 911 or scratch her behind the ears.


“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”



*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*


Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.


My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.


Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.


[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”