@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

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@Quartzjixler

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine

@Mom_Overboard

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@BoomBoomBetty

I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception

@ibid78

I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”

@Home_Halfway

[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up