Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
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At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother