Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.