Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.