Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.