Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
You Might Also Like
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.