Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.