Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Real bees work best

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃