Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Doggies just call it style.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.