Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.