Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

I need a headline like this

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

become ungovernable

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

True?

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.