Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.