Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.