Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
goldfish mafia
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.