Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”