Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”