Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.