Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
sweet dreams💖
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Optional boss fight.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’d rather fork than spoon.