Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Ugh but profoundly

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.