Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
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remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable