Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
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rest in peas
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I identify as an antique shop.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I mean…but I did
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.